times are a’changing.

and so is my blog.

if you’re ready for some brutal honesty and transparency, follow me here.

if you’re not interested, thanks for following me so far. it’s been quite the journey!

:: 22 lbs down. They are coming off slow this week. But at least they’re coming off. I am nearly an inch or two away from the next pant size down. Yay

:: I am realizing one of the most freeing things in the world is to recognize that I have no control over anyone else except for the choices I make myself. Zero. Nada. Zilch. And that makes me relax…. Dang codependency.

:: moving to a new home tomorrow. I’m looking forward to all the new things the days ahead have in store.

19 lbs have scurried away into oblivion. i’m feeling good other than the fact that i wish i could just IV water into my body. i’m drinking constantly and sometimes i’d like to come up for air.

my mom is still here, helping me make adjustments to my somewhat crazy and unpredictable life lately. changes are inevitable in life. i just wish sometimes i had more notice. updates soon!

madeleine is nearly pulling herself up into a standing position. which scares the living you-know-what out of me because it will be just one moment one of these days where she realizes she can stand… and walk… and run. and then… well, you get my point.

she also has started the whole “cry with disappointment” when i take something away from her that she’s not supposed to have. it’s quite heartbreaking and it makes me realize that her little heart, desires, free will and all those things are developing.

life is short. act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God.

so day nine of treatment, day six of calorie restrictions. count so far? 15 lbs down. and i’m feeling gooood.

last night, some dear soul-knit friends came over and in candlelight we prayed, listened to 33s on the Philco of simon & garfunkel and ben folds, laughed a little, cried a little and for a little while … i felt such peace that i felt life held no threat to me. my “momentary afflictions” were just that. momentary.

with the blessing of my mom, i find peace resettling into my home. into my sleep. and even in my heart.

so i realize…

Remember surrender
Remember the rest
Remember that weight lifting off of your chest
And realizing that it’s not up to you and it never was

madeleine at 8 months. she spent an afternoon with family friend kristen sizemore… an incredible photographer! kristenraephotography.blogspot.com

it’s great having fantastic photographers for friends, because this is the surprise you get after an afternoon visit…

And a DIET UPDATE on day 4 of calorie restriction, day 8 of program. So far down 7.5 lbs and feeling good!

this song is in my heart today. actually more like… ripping a giant hole in my heart and flooding in.

did you know you can lose 7 lbs by peeing?

yesterday i weighed one number.. then used the RR… then 7 lbs later. what?

just random.

and oh yeah, so far so good.

day five

i’m so bloody sick of food by this point that what was supposed to be my “final” meal turned out to be me picking at some fast food and force-feeding chips ahoy to myself.

my friend sara took me grocery shopping tonight, carefully guiding me to all the right purchases.

apples, strawberries, grapefruit, oranges

spinach leaf, romaine lettuce

shrimp, steak, chicken

and hopefully all that equals…

good.bye.pounds.

oh i am so ready to stop eating. in fact, at this point it’s hard to not simply slow down and prepare for monday. but no! i have to eat every last bit of junk food you can imagine. i even went so far as to make my mom’s christmas recipe for stained glass window cookies… chocolate, butter, marshmallows and pecans. surely that will help! i mean, if i’m gonna go down swinging, i might as well swing hard.

i know i’m gaining weight too which i’m not sure if that helps or hurts my excitement. i hate gaining. i can’t wait to lose.

speaking of losing, my friend who is on this diet has lost over 50 lbs since the beginning of the year and she is looking good. she’s walking motivation for me.

one more day of gorging then off we go…

i’m pretty sure the lady in the McDonalds drive-thru wanted to stage an intervention when i ordered a mcgriddle and egg mcmuffin for the third day in a row. i shamefully handed her the $7.66 before hitting the gas to getaway from her impudent stare.

and i actually had to work myself up to eat both the sandwiches. i’m so sick of food. come on monday…

last night, about 1,000 calories short of my required intake, i slurped up ramen noodles followed by a bowl of lucky charms.

cue the gag reflexes and “grossss” that i know you are dying to say.

have i mentioned how sick i am of eating?