Morning of Day Two

So far…

Today I’m singing Grease Lightning.

I’m snacking on coconut-dipped, chocolate-covered almonds and chocolate covered pretzels.

My second chin is growing another chin, and maybe an arm … and a potbelly.

I feel like Violet Beauregarde.

Someone roll me down the hallway please.

new thing, day one

i am starting a new diet, under the wise eye of a doctor, and i’ve decided to blog about it every day. for the time being, i’ll leave the details out other than the ones that are important to the story line. please refrain from any discouraging or critical comments. all considered discouraging, critical and/or downright rude will be deleted

day one: “loading”

the first five days of this diet, let’s call it “routine”, requires me to eat 4,000 calories a day.

i know you’re thinking “what kind of diet requires you to eat that? sign me up!”

well, it’s only for a few days and then the holy sword comes out and slashes my caloric intake to… not much.

so how does one consume 4,000 calories you ask?

egg mcmuffins, mcgriddles, taco bell, jack in the box, lucky charms, pastries and every woman’s best friend, chocolate. it might sound like fun, but it’s only day one and i feel like i’m about to burst. in between every bite of fast food, i’m muttering, complaining and nearly gagging at the sight of paper wrappers and bags.

so day one almost down … and only another 1,000 calories to go. sheeeesh.

i realized i had a problem when the P.A. was talking about the 4,000 calories and my first reaction was, “Fun!”

“Fun? Really?” He smirked and scribbled something on his notepad. Probably something like, “Patient shows abnormal love for food, salivation signs in lower jowls. Probably ate too many Polish waffles as a child.”

So… here we go.

odd life lessons

i think it’s funny that Madeleine hates it when i wipe her nose. the stream of snot has now made its way over her upper lip and I’ve come sweeping in with a damp washcloth. she squirms as though i’m attempting to rip her face off. in some cases, she causes more damage than good… squirming, dropping her toys, binky, kicking. and i keep saying, “i’m just trying to clean your nose silly girl!”

poor life lesson for me today. maybe God isn’t trying to rip my nose off when He comes close, sweeping in. maybe He just wants to clean my snot up a bit.

odd entertainment

I followed the most smug looking man into Starbucks this morning. And by follow I mean, he happened to step in front of me in the parking lot, taking long strides toward the coffee mecca. He was dressed in all black, shoes shiny, though his shirt was a little too short, sitting right above his faded black trousers. His hair was perfectly coiffed, set in place with gobs of gel and Aquanet i presumed. As we walked up the steps, I could see that once he reached the top, he’d be able to catch his reflection in the window. I waited to see if he would do as I guessed, and indeed he did… pausing for a moment, running one hand over his hair and slightly jutting out one hip as he admired himself briefly. Not one to waste time, this man-on-the-go headed toward the front door, me not even 10 steps behind him. He swung open the door and didn’t even pause to hold it open for me, but let it nearly slam back as i quickly reached to catch it open. I smiled… nothing like a little morning entertainment.

7 months

it’s a real weekend

i had one of those weekends. you know the kind? the kind of weekend that makes friday and monday feel like they actually are separated by something significant. the weekend that leaves you feeling satisfied on sunday night and not bitterly disappointed. i say all of this to say it was different… it was not normal, as much as i wish it was more of a normality than an anomaly.

• sleep was abundant.
• mornings were spent cuddling with a quiet, smiling girl in bed with us.
• i rose to fresh ground, fresh brewed coffee and sunlight dancing through the leaves, casting shadows onto my kitchen floor.
• laundry, washed, folded and put away.
• the housework was finished early.
• the dishes, clean.
• a content baby cooed and squealed from a pink, cream and rose quilt. she laughed at the air.
• the smell of a grill filled our backyard as i read a book, and eventually set my head back, closed my eyes and slept.
• we sat in complete darkness in our car as madeleine snorted and sighed, and we sighed and talked and tried to find eachother’s face in the darkness.
• he put his hands to work in the garage, building, measuring, cutting, constructing, dreaming. and surprised me with creating a laundry room. a place free of sawdust and drill bits.
• the t.v. stayed off most of the time. classical music stay on most of the time. chopin. debussy. puccini.
• i sat in the leather chair, reading aloud a book we both wanted to read. he watched me and listened.
• she blew raspberries with applesauce flying through the air, against my shirt, close to my smile.

weekends like these are few and far between. they lift me just above the things that weigh my soul down. the complexities, worries, fears, realities of life quiet down for just a few days… giving me a chance to breathe. you know what i mean?

and i taste briefly of this truth:

remember surrender

remember the rest

remember that weight lifting off of your chest

and realizing that it’s not up to you, and it never was. – sara groves.

not enough stuff to get the stuff that is just stuff

*eeeeeerulk* that’s the sound of me wincing after i balance our incoming funds vs. outgoing cash. somewhere in my mind there is a very frivolous, i-want-to-buy-every-purse-at-Sam-Moon and still go to Starbucks and a movie afterwards-girl. in my head, she always has the money to do whatever she likes, with a fresh supply of fill-in-the-blank (whatever it is she wants that day). her home lacks for nothing, not even wik candles or garden decor.

and then there’s me. the real me. the “let’s see how far i can stretch one bag of chicken, frozen spinach and a box of angel hair” girl. the girl who unwillingly parts with beat-up flip flops, who hasn’t seen the inside of a salon for 8 months, and who is quite content with one set of sheets for her bed.

so yeah, that wincing you see flitting across my face? that’s the realization that as much as i’ve convinced myself i “need” whatever it is i’m thinking of, the numbers say otherwise. my mind says “go ahead … buy it.” and the numbers say, “DON’T DO IT! DON’T!! PLEEEEEASE!”

you get the idea?

it’s about this time that i think i need a healthy dose of this>>>

so fast.

yesterday i saw madeleine for all of 45 minutes. 45 minutes people. that’s nothing. it was a changed diaper, a bottle, a nuzzle before bedtime, a kiss goodbye.

sometimes i really, really hate having a full-time job.

the keeping up

putting pen to paper. like… stepping back inside the gym last night. same feeling. a little nervous. a little vulnerable. a little adrenaline pumping and heart racing.

Reading…
just ordered “walking on water” by madeleine l’engle and just started “the furious longing of god” by brennan manning. good soul food. on a lighter note, “the undomestic goddess” and “new moon” (again) are still on my bedside table.

Listening…
my house seems so quiet now that mom and dad are gone. in the background i hear a skill saw under the guidance of my husband’s hands. and a piano plays in the bedroom as maddie goes to sleep.

Eating…
we are pushing reset on our eating habits. a three day liquid fast followed by 30 days of grilled meat and grilled vegetables. will let you know how it goes!

Dreaming…
lately, in my dreams, i’m doing and saying all the things i wish i had the time/money/guts/heart to do in the real world.

Changing…
dirty diapers. attitude. perspective. candle scents. hair color.

Friends…
are graduating from college. getting married. raising kids. changing careers. leaving careers. pursuing dreams. living. growing. learning. together.

Family…
the ones here are growing. changing. iron sharpening iron. madeleine continues to surprise me. and her “kisses” are the best thing in the whole wide world. as for the rest of my family…. the thousands of miles between us feel so huge lately. maybe someday jj abrams will invent a transporter machine. i have faith in him….

random-ocity

:::: i love my home church. more so, i love my community of friends, confidants, shoulder-hugger-criers and even those on the fringe. because we all know, no matter what, when it comes down to it… it’s ok to not be ok. lately, i’ve been holding a bunch of “lemons” in my hands. running through my mind is the old mantra, “when life hands you lemons…” blah blah blah. why do i have to make lemonade? can’t i stand here and squeeze them until they’re mushy and i feel i’ve at least invoked some revenge on them? can’t a girl just cry over a handful of lemons? i’m thankful for friends who instead of handing me their life recipe of “lemonade”, they come alongside and help me carry a few.

:::: my parents have been here for over two weeks now and depart on saturday. i really am going to miss them. i’m realizing, now as a wife and mom, it’s hard not having them close. the difference is that for us, we need a week of adjusting (mom and dad are here…. adjust adjust adjust), a week of having fun and then suddenly it’s time for them to leave. i wonder, where did the time go? it’s not forever i know. there may soon be a season where they will be with us in the wintertime, which would help us figure out our own schedules, rhythms and expectations… and provide a lot more time for Madeleine to get to know them. i hate feeling like I have to cram my year’s worth of quality time with them into three weeks.

:::: i love cloudy days. i don’t like blue skies. it’s true. label me melancholy and dismal if you must, but it’s true. i’ll take gray skies and scattered rain drops any day over blue skies and a bright yellow sun.

:::: a lady at the store today asked me how old madeleine is. “six months!” i replied. her eyes popped, “oh she’s much bigger than a six month old should be, isn’t she?” thanks lady… just give me my receipt.